We had a huge fight here at home. My parents mostly. My mom wants my dad out of the house, she's had enough of him. I dont want to pick sides, but he acts like a child, literally. Now he says if he moves out he wont be paying the bills of this house that he pays now, and the pension that he'd be obligated to give my mom wouldnt be enought. I'm the only one employed with a salary that isnt anywhere nearly enough....

I usually stay out of the fight but when he started saying that I was so mad. I was making pasta for myself, I just throw the whole pan on the sink, boyling water and pasta everywhere. Later my brother throw a bottle of wine. I'm not the one who usually does that, but I was really mad.

I took a piece of the broken bottle and cut my left wrist, (un)fortunatelly I'm not strong enough to actually make it a deep cut. So I just took 2 sleeping pills so I could actually sleep in the yelling. It's been 12h and I'm still dizzy....

Now they want to sell the house, split the money. Where am I supposed to live? I have aunts and my grandma, but none of them live close and I cant leive my job, not matter how little it pays, it's the only one I've got.

I'm going back to sleep cause the pills havent wore off yet...

I want a vacation from my life. How do I get one?

I didnt have to obsess over twilight all day long! That's new.

Oh, and kashy_ is ♥ ♥ ♥


Today I was gonna go to the mall, and watch Quantum of Solace. But, of course, it was raining and I didnt go.

It was a good thing I didnt go. A man entered a store where his ex-wife worked and shot her and then killed himself. (News in PT here)
We cant even go to the mall and be safe anymore. WTF?

This is how I felt and how I feel. Feel free to skip if you don't care about my life =)


For the past 3 years or so I've felt like I was siking down the ocean. As if I was drowning, but I was still alive, I was just like under the water, where I couldnt really breathe, I couldnt hear anything, just distant sounds, as if I was actually under water. I wasn't sleeping but I wasn't fully awake either. I could hear noise around me. As if I was locked in a box with soundproof that didnt work completely, I couldt hear the mumbling but it was loud enough for me to understand, and I didnt care enough to try to understand. There's been just too much pain (my fibromyalgia - can't spell it in english), and I was just too involved in my own pain to actually care. It sounds selfish, I know, but it's how I felt.

Since 2005 there are just a few things I remember that were important: my college graduation and 3 trips I made in 2006. I dont care about the last 2 trips and dont want to really think about it, just the first was nice. But also, that's it. Nothing else happened those past 3 years. I feel like it's just been 2 months, not 36 (38 to be exact since my graduation was in august/2005).

But then, all of sudden, I felt like I was getting out of the water. I felt like waking up.
Strangelly enough what woke me was Twilight and Muse. The pain is still here, but I'm managing it and ignoring more than usual.

I heard about the book, and saw the EW cover in june, but it didnt catch my attention, just like anything else. 3 or 4 weeks ago a friend of mine had read Twilight and told me to read it, and I was actually looking for a new book, since I was getting tired of re-reading Harry Potter and The Vampire Chronicles. I went and ordered Twilight and New Moon.

They've arrived on september 30 I think. It was the same week I started working mornings.
And I got addicted. For the first time in 3 years I felt good. I read the book in 2 nights. Second book I started on night 2, and I ended up reading all 4 books in 6 days. And I've already re-read the series once. I can't stop reading it.

So, I opened the site, which is what I've always done do "channel" and direct my obsessions. It feels good to be obsessed.
It's bad I got into so late cause now there are 2000 sites about it and I dont even know how to start promoting it. I don't have many logins anymore. I've *always* had my sites on top and high google rank. And it was always very fast to get ranked, but I dont know how to do now. I will keep trying.

And Muse. I've always seen you guys talking about this band. But I never really listened. I'm addicted now. It's awesome. It's inspiring.

It does feel good to feel inspired. I'm still frustrated cause I cant do pretty sites anymore. They just look ok. I used to be more proud of my own work, I'm not as much anymore, but maybe I just need to try harder.

Now I want to get back to LJ. I miss it. I need a paid account but I can't afford it. Are free still customizable?

So, I was so tired this morning I decided not to watch any classes today. What's the point of going if I wasnt going to pay any attention?

I'm going to take the day for me. Sleep, get my nails done and other girlie stuff.... and work on sites (not updates, but on the background hehe)

***

Have I ever said how much I love WordPress? I've just found a way of converting posts from cutenews to wordpress in a heart beat. Eliza Web is gonna be my first victim (and I will probably be the next cause Janine loves cutenews and she will kill me heheheheh)

I've decided to convert all my sites into wordpress as a management, no more php files on the ftp, I want it all done via wordpress! It's time to enter the new age of site making

My mom asked me on sunday why was I like that. I said like what? (Pretending, of course), she said 'sad'. She doesnt get the fact that I can be depressed by having a job that I just can't stand anymore (but can't leave it), or have a bachelor degree that doesnt seem to be worth anything when there are just no jobs for people with no experience.

I just said I was tired. Which is not a lie. I dont like discussing my problems with her. She is already a depressed person herself and thinks all my problems are her fault (which aren't). I wont bug her with the fact that I just hate my life at this moment, and I don't think I've been more confused and lost than what I'm feeling now.

At least I'm off from work until the 9th. That gives me a lot of time to just play and sleep.

I hate it when guys I meet online are cute. Even more when they live far far away. Grrr.


I think it's gonna rain. I think not. It will! After all, I'm going dowtown, 5 days before christmas with no good reason! (Like paying bills, getting something I do need)

I will post if I survive the millions of people there. -_-

Alrighty, been a crappy monday, half of tuesday has gone and still not good, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm going downtown and do christmas shopping. All for myself. Yes, just for me. Girl stuff, I need a sun screen for my body cause I've only have facial one left (my arms are already tanned cause of the fucking sun!), nail polish, new socks (I've got dozens, but I just *l*o*v*e* wearing new socks, who cares if it's bloody summer?). I always feel nice when getting nice new socks.

I also gotta get my professional registration papers. Yep. I'm a librarian with a professional license now. I should have done right after I graduated, but, you know me.... lazy as a cat.

What else do I need? Will see. It's not like I've got that much money to spend.., I should go to one of those mega stores with prices like R$ 1,99. I love them. They satisfy my need of buying stuff, and it's all cheap.

OMG! Downtown will be so full of people. What am I gonna do? Dodge them? Hit them?

I've got Simple Plan CD yesterday. Like it a lot. Last CD I had bought was Avril Lavigne second album, and it was on the same week it was released. >.

Wanna know the good shitty news? I'm getting fired. And, it's not even my boss' fault. It's the boss of the boss or whatever.

What great news for my week! And christmas, and whatever.

Read this.

OMG! It was so much better than I expected! Those two hours went on just like 30min. Even the party was fun.

The whole graduation ceremony was perfect. Not a thing went wrong.

I was right on the first line but my eye sight being so bad and all those lights on my face I couldnt identify anyone. But it was okay.

When they called my name and I went there to get my diplone and so, I didn't hear a thing anymore. I was shaking so much I thought I'd fall, so I was walking slow, in order not to trip over anything, went there, did my thing, and went back. All perfect. According to my mom everyone applauded a lot and so, but I didn't hear anything!

I didnt get a chance to take a good picture with my friends, or my work colleagues and I know I will hate myself later for not having taking a picture with him - I will get to him in a locked posted...

Anyway, it was good, I'm glad I enjoyed it. I will upload the pictures I took with my cam in a few and post in a locked post, and I need to wait for the photographer ones, which are the good ones! My brother even made a video, so cute!

Gonna start uploading and make that locked post.....